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calamity jan [Saturday,%%%%% April 12 2003|12:24am]
[ mood | nervous ]

not really all as depressed as the last post implies. Extremely nervous, yes. Frustrated with A, who implied he would pay me while I was out, but appears now to be changing his tune. What a surprise!! I'm so damn gullible sometimes it's painful. I won't know for certain until the day before the surgery. Have I mentioned the surgery? That would be a hysterectomy. I'm thrilled. Actually, I'm looking forward to the cessation of at least some of my pain. I'll still have the disc issues, but everything below the waist should stop hurting. I just have to go through a month or so of serious pain to get there. This makes the 5th procedure I've had to have done in the last 8 years. My first major organ. I used to think it would be a kidney. How the hell did I become such a sickie?

It's a mixed bag, my life. Today I was very productive in an intellectual way, writing a pleading and notice, preparing everything and filing it all in federal court. It's wonderful to actually do some real work. I wish I could feel that way every day. I also had a message on my machine from a restaurant franchise's corporate headquarters about an admin assistant job. I'm hoping to interview the morning of my surgery, which is scheduled for early afternoon. The job is not downtown and I can't take off early with the surgery coming up. A's out of town until the day before, too.

Easter is this Sunday. My celebration of spring, a time of birth and growth. Guess there's another new me being born. Hopefully a relatively pain-free one (after the initial birth pains, of course).

There's another positive to the surgery. I'll be in the hospital for over 24 hrs, then home and unable to move for at least a few days. If I get rid of the cigarettes before I go in, I'm forced to quit for at least a week, if not longer before I can walk and drive anywhere. If I can quit for a week, I can quit for two weeks, etc. etc. etc. I get the feeling this might be my last chance.

I dream of running and playing with my children. I haven't been able to do that for 2 years. This is a painful, but necessary and good thing. I hope.

Your thoughts?

I have no observations [Friday,%%%%% April 11 2003|11:46pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

my soul an empty hole
scattered into swirling jovian winds
the change is upon me
again I begin
I begin to change
or am I masking what is always the same

Your thoughts?

health, et al. [Friday,%%%%% March 21 2003|11:17pm]
[ mood | okay ]

I have an appointment this coming Wednesday with my OBGYN. This is my second hormonal flux since the cessation of my shots. I haven't any flow, but I hurt. I can feel my swollen left ovary. I can feel my left kidney and the cramp running up the left side of my back. It doesn't go away, though sometimes it's less comfortable than others. I'm starting to have pains in my feet again, and my shoulder/neck area as well. It's all connected to whatever the swelling is pressing against. The base of my spine feels like jello. My groin muscles ache. I'm bloated. I'm afraid to find out what next month will feel like.

I'm looking at a hysterectomy. At least laparoscopy. It's not as bad as I thought it was this morning, when my only experience was my cyst surgery. They could have done a hysterectomy, from the way they sliced me open. That was a 6 week recovery, and I never really did recover completely. From what I gather, procedures have improved since then. It will be more like the gall bladder surgery, with a few small holes here and there. I swear I'm gonna end up looking like swiss cheese!! I could be back to work in a week, which makes A happy. He expressed a willingness to pay me and not fire me when I talked to him about it earlier today - even thinking I could be out a month. I think I've become one of his charity cases.

I found another interesting tidbit in that a hysterectomy may not fix the problem. It's likely to work permanently only 67% of the time. Endometriosis is estrogen driven. Take away the ovaries which create estrogen, the portion of the organ that creates more endometrium tissue, along with any stray endometrium tissue one can find. Seems that ought to do it, don't you think? Except they're likely to only take one ovary (the left!!), so I don't drop immediately into menopause. There's bone density loss and a host of other issues accompanying menopause, and I'm a bit young yet.

I keep trying to tell myself this is all supposition, but the last conversation I had with my OBGYN left me understanding only two options I could have in this situation - 1) another series of shots, or 2) surgery. They're going to have to do a laparoscopy anyway, because that's the only sure way to diagnose endometriosis. They'll try to remove as much of the wayward tissue as possible, but it pretty much comes down to hunting cell by cell. Some of it may be in my spine and left kidney, too. I'd rather have my uterus removed than my kidney. I've less use for it at this point and it's removal would do at least some good. I wouldn't have to worry about more tissue migrating and whatever tissue remains is bound to at least be less active with less estrogen.

I have to have this done now. Above and beyond the increasing and unrelenting pain, I don't know how long I'm going to have insurance. KDM (my insurance carrier) is packing up his office and could find space any time. A's content in his fantasy that neither KDM nor I am leaving. He hasn't a clue S is planning to be gone no later than June 30. He may be less willing to pay me for being out, knowing she's leaving and taking her rent $$ with her. Beyond that, I'll go insane if I have to put up with this pain for a lengthy period again.

I'm headed off to bed. I'm intent on abusing my body tomorrow at my parents, helping to gut their basement. I'm supposed to pick the boys up around 9, and have to get an oil change on the way.

Your thoughts?

random thoughts [Tuesday,%%%%% March 04 2003|12:43am]
[ mood | patient ]

JS called again. I kinda convinced myself he wasn't going to call, what with all the madness going on in my life. He seems to think I have a unique way of dealing with everything. Guess it looks like I'm dealing from his perspective - he's on the far outside.

I suppose I am dealing. The question is how well. I've stopped taking all the medications that are supposed to help regulate my moods. Seems to me I was functioning just fine before the endometriosis and resulting depression. Now I know why I hurt and there is a solution - why am I all of a sudden sentenced to a lifetime of chemical regulation? I'm not buying it. I can't afford it! So far I haven't turned into a raving lunatic, nor dropped into the abyss of depression. Guess we'll see what happens.

No word on the latest wave of resumes. I spent the better part of tonight rewriting it again - adding more action words, trying to present myself as truthfully but as capable and experienced as possible. I have some interesting ads to write cover letters for, too. An Insurance company looking for career minding people. A Financial advisory firm. The Cleveland Institute of Art is looking for someone in Student Life & Housing and Academic Services. I'm all over that one!! There's a handful of legal secretary positions, too. Seeing as KM is moving boxes out of his office, I certainly hope somebody bites soon!

Well past bedtime, and I managed yet again to avoid thinking out the subject of JS. I enjoy his conversations, but feel I'm over my head. I find him attractive, but don't want to lose what I get from N - which is stupid considering N's stance on it all. N's making an effort, too - he invited myself and my chldren out to dinner at a karaoke show last night. The karaoke host didn't show, but still. He says one thing and acts out something entirely different. What's up with that?

Taking everything one day at a time, in superslomo. At this point it's the only thing I can think of to do. I'm not in an emotional position to act out on anything anyway.

Well, well past my bedtime. G'Night!

Your thoughts?

The Introvert Advantage [Tuesday,%%%%% February 25 2003|11:27pm]
[ mood | content ]

Reading an interesting book on introverts vs extroverts. Seems the world is made up of extroverts, which makes things a little more difficult for the 30% of us that are introverts. Seems our brains are hardwired to the parasympathetic nervous system. That's the one that calms down the fight or flight syndrome created in the sympathetic nervous system extroverts are wired to. Because our brains are hardwired differently, they work differently, using more acetylcholine then dopamine. There are differences between left and right-brained introverts as well.

In more detail, it explains what I considered developmental difficulties in socializing. It explains the difficulty I have in verbalizing sometimes and the overwhelmed state I periodically go through. It explains why Craig was so hyper as a child (over-stimulation), and why he's not now. It explains some of why Chris is a little more difficult for me to understand, being the only extrovert in the house.

Along with Sherri S. Tepper, this book is helping me drop some of my esteem baggage. There is nothing wrong with me, just because my mind blanks periodically when asked a question. I'm more strongly connected to my long-term memory than my short-term one, and it takes longer to retrieve from long-term memory.

Being an introvert may also explain away at least part of my depression. Not being as quick and snappy as extroverts, introverts tend to think they're stupid. I fall into this time and again, as I blank at a question or lose the word I'm looking for. I don't have these problems in my thoughts or in writing - just verbalizing. There's a connection to the levels of dopamine a person has with their motivation and depression levels. I stopped taking my psychologist prescribed drugs about a week ago, on grounds that I only started taking them because of pain and repeatedly being told I was feeling pain because of depression. Now I know why I hurt and am working (carefully!!) to improve my health and outlook.

Of course, the next month or so is going to be interesting, while I get the drugs out of my system and adjust to functioning without them. What a time for JS to show up, for N to push me away, for my children to start battling me again! I'm feeling a bit more confident about dealing with it all today than yesterday, but it's still a mess. Guess life would be boring otherwise, though.

Your thoughts?

emotional mayhem [Sunday,%%%%% February 23 2003|12:30pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

Had breakfast with N yesterday and talked about JS. I'm still trying to figure out his position. There was mention of us being a 3 1/2 year rebound. On the phone last night he said he still felt married to his ex. He takes a burden of guilt over the divorce and maintains he divorced her for her happiness. He expected them always to be friends and is hurt that they're not.

Why can't I just take the man at his word? He says he doesn't want a relationship. We are "dating," which means I can "date" JS as well.

I spent a long time looking at that last. I don't take the man at his word because his behavior says I love you more than anyone else I've been with. I'm afraid to date JS in part because I don't want to lose this. N's position is maybe JS is better. N believes no one could be happy with him. I still haven't figured out why, outside the pain this dating thing causes me. He's got a point, in that we got together as both our long term relationships were ending. I've dated him, MD, and a wack who makes me happy I'm as sane as I am. That's not exactly a large selection pool for finding the perfect companion. As far as I know, he's dated all of me and BA.

I haven't even talked to JS yet, though he's called several times. He doesn't leave messages and I'm too nervous and confused to pick up. I'm in wack mode with N and don't want to do something because I'm angry with him. I did that with MD and probably destroyed the friendship. JS is looking VERY attractive, though. I never did return his book on massage...

I am not jumping into bed with this man!! N and I haven't been sleeping together much lately, for various reasons. If I'm going to date more than one man I'm seriously attracted to, I can't have the confusion of sex added in. I expect this is going to turn into some sort of painful triangle, as has happened more than once in my life. I'm hoping to prevent some of the damage beforehand...

Grab hold of something secure - here I go again!!!

Your thoughts?

surrounded [Saturday,%%%%% February 22 2003|1:53pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

JS called last night and Craig picked up the phone. I was downstairs, so Craig told him I was sleeping. It's started already. They like their life the way it is and don't want me bringing anyone else into it. Chris says he's starting to think of N as his buddy. Craig still voices an emphatic dislike of N, but told me he's already planning "tricks" to play on JS. Craig has reason to resent N, actually, as N has picked on him more then Chris. N sees Craig very much like himself and I guess figures teasing him will motivate him to change. He sees himself as a failure and doesn't want to see Craig go there. It's creating motivation, but it doesn't seem to be a very positive motivation.

I was talking to Mark yesterday and asked him to come out singing with me tonight. I don't know why I do this. I know he's attracted to me, just like I know I'm not attracted to him. He makes a good friend, though. I get a lot from my phone conversations with him. This is what I'm worried about doing to JS. I have a complete and utter refusal to commit from N. "Relationships bad" was his last comment on the subject. His actions don't say that, though. I don't know what to think or believe when it comes to him sometimes. I'd like to have a relationship where actions and words coincide. Considering his stance...

What I'm worried about is I still smoke, I'm overweight, I'm a certified wack, I don't know how to have a healthy relationship, I don't know how to trust. I'm physically unfit and looking at worse before it gets better, if it gets better. My children are determined to work against anyone new. Nick, in his capacity as friend, will work against anyone new. Mark probably will, too.

The only thing I can do is be patient and let this run it's course. It's possible JS is not worth the time to really get to know him. It's possible he's not interested in taking the time to get to know me and my children. Yes, getting to know and befriend my children is a requirement, even if living with them isn't.

patient little mouse in the corner...

Your thoughts?

the full range [Friday,%%%%% February 21 2003|12:22am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

L is coming back into my life and I'm not sure how I feel about it. She's always been my wild and crazy girlfriend, but I'm not all that wild and crazy anymore. Very subdued of late, actually. She wants me to get back into training, which I would love to do if I weren't so afraid of damaging myself more and so angry at the head master of the martial arts academy where we met. I simply can't give him the respect he demands and I can't trust myself to stay within safe physical limits. That's how I got in this position - at least partially.

I spent about 2 hours the other night writing a big long post about L, sorting out all my feelings about the harms we've done each other, how we drifted apart, what still hurt and why. I'm still ashamed at myself, mainly because I'm not the person I was when she knew me, and I happened to like that person more than the one I know myself to be now. I'm slowly pulling back little pieces of her...

N is on his "we're just dating, not in a relationship" kick again, reminding me every chance he gets. Some of these chances appear to me to be the most inopportune times!! I guess he's making his point. He's also going through a terrible depression having to do with finances, and gave me the "who would want me? How would I find anyone like that?" speech. At the same time he's starting to make friends with my children. No lectures or parenting. Just talk on Magic the Gathering, or this and that. He calls me daily. He tells me most of what he does. When he's with me he not only acts like he wants to be around me, he is solicitous and sensitive to my moods. He's always got something to make me smile - a book, a joke, a story, a carb-free candy bar.

I ran into JS at dinner tonight. I haven't seen him for 6 years. I was very jealous of his girlfriend when I knew him last and that jealousy caused me much confusion in my relationship with my ex.. N suggested later I'd missed a chance by not finding out if he's married. N doesn't know I did give him my phone #. I still haven't figured out if N really means this lack-of-relationship stuff, or if he's just so depressed and feeling so unworthy (plus the boys won't be moving out for at least 6 years).

I also had to have the conversation with my children, who told me they didn't want me dating JS. Not for any particular reason - just because. I've already told them I won't have someone move in and start parenting them before they're of an age to move out. That doesn't mean I'm not going to date or have friends, and it certainly doesn't mean they get to choose who I date or have as friends.

After all this, I'm not even sure if I'd want to date JS, should he call. I know he used to like me, back in high school. I think he liked me when we knew each other later, while I was with my ex. I don't even like me now, and I'm not sure I should be dating in this state. I know he quit smoking, which I haven't managed to do yet.. He quit drinking. He's a whiz on computers, uses a ham radio, and is something of a genius. He also comes from a very, very broken home, but was lucky to "adopt" into a better one. All of this I remember, 6 years later. His picture has been on my wall this whole time, along with a select other few. He struck me then as extraordinary.

Which means he's too intelligent to fool for long. I am too often simply an empty sack, filled with wind and air from elsewhere, no thoughts from within. Sometimes I feel I have no will or mind. Each day is merely one more marking time; struggling.

Your thoughts?

nonproductive fun [Tuesday,%%%%% February 18 2003|7:28pm]
[ mood | amused ]

or is it? I've been spending more time trying to figure out how to modify this journal than I have writing in it, or doing other things that need doing. Ah well. It's been a while since I've been interested in learning something new...

Your thoughts?

overheard by my kids [Sunday,%%%%% February 02 2003|1:31am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

conversation in a family restaraunt by a large young woman whose hair might look good once the style is complete, in a very loud voice, tending a very young infant. The woman is speaking with a young man in a overly large, grey and black checkered velour jogging suit - both are in their late teens/early twenties:

he: "Did you come in with Jamoul?"

she: "Naw, I had to get my hair done."

he: "Is he here yet? Where's he at?"

she: "He's probably out trying to score some weed. You know he ain't got high in over a week."

he: (looking at infant): "You hear Francine's saying Marquis is her baby's father? He says she can't make him take the test - she don't have no right to come saying something like that five years later."

she: "I say he oughta take the test, five years or no five years. He ougtha take the test, and if that little girl is his he oughta take care of her!"

he: "That's why I take care of Tanisha's baby like I do. I didn't take the test or nothing, I don't know for sure, but it could be mine, you know? I take care of my own."

she: "You don't know?"

he: (shakes his head)

(conversation ends as others join their table)

This conversation has been rolling around in my head for the past 24 hours. I found it appalling at the time, that my children could hear people talking about drugs so nonchalantly, about casual parenthood. As I cringed, I noticed only one child was hearing it, and he was cringing too. I felt much better. So why does it still cling?

There is something to be said for presenting yourself the way you are and not caring what others think. The situation becomes one more thing making me feel older and I'm not sure I'm getting wiser in my old age. Here I am, judging them. When did I become judgmental? When did I move out of my own glass house? I screw up every day, just in different ways.

It still bothers me "in front of the children." Even though I know no damage was done, they were exposed to something I'd hoped they would never have to be exposed to. I wonder how much of this they are exposed to, and how much damage actually has been done.

I fuss over things I can't change. All I can do is leave an open door and do damage control as opportunities arise. I'm already doing this.

Let people make their mistakes. Sometimes it's the only way they can learn. Let it go...

Your thoughts?

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