L is coming back into my life and I'm not sure how I feel about it. She's always been my wild and crazy girlfriend, but I'm not all that wild and crazy anymore. Very subdued of late, actually. She wants me to get back into training, which I would love to do if I weren't so afraid of damaging myself more and so angry at the head master of the martial arts academy where we met. I simply can't give him the respect he demands and I can't trust myself to stay within safe physical limits. That's how I got in this position - at least partially.
I spent about 2 hours the other night writing a big long post about L, sorting out all my feelings about the harms we've done each other, how we drifted apart, what still hurt and why. I'm still ashamed at myself, mainly because I'm not the person I was when she knew me, and I happened to like that person more than the one I know myself to be now. I'm slowly pulling back little pieces of her...
N is on his "we're just dating, not in a relationship" kick again, reminding me every chance he gets. Some of these chances appear to me to be the most inopportune times!! I guess he's making his point. He's also going through a terrible depression having to do with finances, and gave me the "who would want me? How would I find anyone like that?" speech. At the same time he's starting to make friends with my children. No lectures or parenting. Just talk on Magic the Gathering, or this and that. He calls me daily. He tells me most of what he does. When he's with me he not only acts like he wants to be around me, he is solicitous and sensitive to my moods. He's always got something to make me smile - a book, a joke, a story, a carb-free candy bar.
I ran into JS at dinner tonight. I haven't seen him for 6 years. I was very jealous of his girlfriend when I knew him last and that jealousy caused me much confusion in my relationship with my ex.. N suggested later I'd missed a chance by not finding out if he's married. N doesn't know I did give him my phone #. I still haven't figured out if N really means this lack-of-relationship stuff, or if he's just so depressed and feeling so unworthy (plus the boys won't be moving out for at least 6 years).
I also had to have the conversation with my children, who told me they didn't want me dating JS. Not for any particular reason - just because. I've already told them I won't have someone move in and start parenting them before they're of an age to move out. That doesn't mean I'm not going to date or have friends, and it certainly doesn't mean they get to choose who I date or have as friends.
After all this, I'm not even sure if I'd want to date JS, should he call. I know he used to like me, back in high school. I think he liked me when we knew each other later, while I was with my ex. I don't even like me now, and I'm not sure I should be dating in this state. I know he quit smoking, which I haven't managed to do yet.. He quit drinking. He's a whiz on computers, uses a ham radio, and is something of a genius. He also comes from a very, very broken home, but was lucky to "adopt" into a better one. All of this I remember, 6 years later. His picture has been on my wall this whole time, along with a select other few. He struck me then as extraordinary.
Which means he's too intelligent to fool for long. I am too often simply an empty sack, filled with wind and air from elsewhere, no thoughts from within. Sometimes I feel I have no will or mind. Each day is merely one more marking time; struggling.